Actually, today was a good day.

But as we enter in to our “quest” here in Australia, all the hopes and disppointments, fears and trials, and losses and failures of the last few years are coming to the surface. A friend once told us that we were suffering “compound grief”, where one loss piles onto another, and there is no time to deal with the first grief properly before the next once crashes down upon our heads. A book about Infertility I am currently reading calls it chronic grief: There is no resolution to the grief. “For evey failed attempt to conceive (natural and assisted) couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, year after year, it becomes chronic grief.” Every time my period starts, a new grief cycle starts. The dream has died, again. The hope is gone, again. And even if one day we are successful, it will not wipe away the grief that we have experienced. “The grief and emotions experienced by Infertile couples are the same as patients who face terminal illness.” We are marked for life by the losses we have experienced.
(From The Infertility Companion by S.L. Glahn)

This has been our lives for about 8 years, as we have tried to concieve and to see our dream for a family fulfilled, but only met failure. Then there’s the disappointments and betrayals in our ministry. That has also brought another kind of death and grief into our lives. Not to mention the actual deaths and illnesses of friends and family. Even having to leave Thailand to try to build our family, and that with medical help, is the death of a dream to conceive and birth our children in the land we love. Being away from our Thai family and friends is so hard.

So, as we move from trying to conceive naturally to assisted conception, all the emotions are coming to the surface in techicolour, and I am surprised at who I am. Some days I am all sweetness and light, and then others, I am the 2 headed monster who must be avoided at all costs. And I’m not even on medication yet!! Oh Lord, help me and my husband. What will become of me when I have ‘crazy hormones’ coursing through my veins???? In July, the treatment will begin, with an operation that will explore the problem and hopefully help to resolve part of it.

I am probably too open about our situation. My openness means that we can meet wonderful people who will offer hope and help along the way, but it also means we meet people who are presumptous and offer advice that is not helpful, or say things that are downright hurtful. Sometimes they just say silly things. I remember once I said something very naive and silly to an Infertile woman, and I wish I could find her now and apologize for my stupidity.

Anyway, one thing that drives me crazy is when someone comes to me and says: “I have a gift. When I pray for Infertile women, they get pregnant. Can I pray for you???” Okay, on the serface this seems fine. But my first thought is: “Um, excuse me – God heals, not you! My confidence and hope and faith and trust is in the God of the universe, the Creator of Life, not you.” My second thought (as I chuckle) is: “If I had a dollar for every time someone said that and prayed for me, I’d be a very rich Mummy!!!” And then I think of the people they prayed for that didn’t get pregnant, and are hiding in shame and grief, for fear of being told it was cause they didn’t have enough faith. My advice is this: Just offer to pray for me. I know that God is able. If He chooses to answer with a ‘Yes’, then we can celebrate together. But if His answer is ‘No’, then I am free to grieve once again without fear of being accussed of being the one who lacked faith, because you “have a gift”.