Wow, what a week. Samantha is 8 days old. It’s amazing. I’ll be honest and tell you it’s been a topsy turvy week. Being in hospital for 4.5 days may sound good to some people, but it was a nightmare. What I hated most was assumptions, judgement and unsolicited advice from the nurses – I’d just feed and get Sam settled, and then a nurse would walk in to do her nurse stuff, wake her up and then when Sam started crying, the nurse would say, ‘You need to feed her!’ with a scowl on her face. So many times I wanted to slap them, scream at them, tell them to just leave us alone. I wasn’t mad that they were doing their job, I was mad that they blamed me for my child crying. But I have to add that there were 3 nurses who were very helpful and only offered advice when it was appropriate.

After the c-section I felt so completely helpless. And here I am, with another completely helpless little person to take care of. I am so thankful for my Mum and Amazing Husband, who were able to help Sam when I couldn’t. One time, both Mum and Sean were out of the room, and I had Sam in her crib beside me (bad move!). She decided to wake up for a feed, and I couldn’t even reach over and pick her up out of the crib, even though she was less than a foot away. I just wanted to cry with her! Thankfully, the one of the nice nurses was just a buzz away.

Now that we have been home for a few days, we are finally getting into the swing of things. Learning baby’s rhythm is harder than I expected it to be. And they say that breat feeding is natural and to ‘trust your instinct’, but I didn’t think I’d ever get the hang of it and I wasn’t so sure I had any instincts in that arena. I am learning to be a mother, it wasn’t something that I felt came naturally – perhaps it was the exhaustion from the c-section and sleep deprivation (I really didn’t sleep at all at the hospital).

About the c-section. As the time wore on, it become more apparent to us that I would not be able to deliver Samantha naturally. I was really disappointed, but was able to prepare myself for the inevitable to an extent. On Monday May 7, we went in for a check up, and the good doctor recommended the c-section right away. I realized I was not prepared at all. It was 11am, and I would be in Surgery by 2pm. It was exciting to think that I would have a daughter by 3pm, but also disappointing to know I wouldn’t meet her until 6pm. I got to give her a quick kiss and have a photo taken on the table, but then she was wisked away with Sean to the nursery while my surgery was completed. I’m so glad they allowed Sean to Kangaroo Care with her for the time I was in recovery. At first they said they would only give him 30 minutes, but then they let him hold her for the entire 2.5 hours.

The surgery itself wasn’t so bad – Sean was allowed to come in once they had prepped me. But the prep time and the rest of the surgery after Sean left were very emotionally traumatic. I seriously felt like I was panicking and wanted to jump up and run away. I’ve had similar responses to surgery before, but the terrifying thing about this was that I knew I’d be awake the entire time and be aware of everything they did. I am so glad they let Sean into the theatre for the birth. It’s not standard practice here, and even up to the moment, it was unclear if he’d be allowed in. He talked me through the birth, told me what was happening and even took some photos of Sam’s birth. I haven’t looked at them yet, cause I’m not quite ready.