Play It Again: A Really Bad Case of Adultitis

by | Aug 1, 2008 | infertility, play it again

Originally Posted August 2, 2006

Argh!! Everything is going right!! My surgery has worked, and things are moving along well. Hope is in the air. This could be the month I get pregnant (this is something I say to myself every month, only to be disappointed)**. I should be happy and excited, but I’m not. The last few days I have had to get up at 6am, drive to the clinic for blood tests and ultrasounds. I’ve got big bruises on my arms, so bad that if it was summer and I could where short sleeves, I’d be getting strange looks and mothers would be protecting their children from me!

So, I just generally feel pretty Blah! Bleck! Yuck! All I want to do is sleep and cry. Finally there is true hope on the horizon, but I just find myself unable to get past the reality of 8 years of trying to conceive without any luck. I don’t want to let myself hope this month, because I don’t want to experience the massive crash that could come. The massive crash that I am so used to.

Children are a miracle and a gift. The Author of Life knows how it all works and He can make this happen for us, no matter what we do. But until now He has chosen to say “Not yet” to our prayers for child. I know He is able. My question is not “Can He?” It’s “Will He?”

So, I am caught between the anticipation of good news and the expectation of bad news. Please keep praying for us to have children. According to His will and timing.

**Please don’t contact me and ask if I’m pregnant. I’ll let you know when I am.

Update: August 2, 2008

When I wrote these words, my hope was so small. A dim flicker in the dark. I was ready to give up the dream of having children before I even had the surgery. I gave Sean and my doctor a time limit for treatment, and seriously considered having my tubes tied so that I could just stop hoping. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NIV) My heart was so sick after hoping and losing for so long. A part of you dies each month when the hope comes crashing down on the rocks of reality.
Sean and I are already thinking about our next child, already looking forward to another miracle. The sickness in my heart has be replaced with life and renewed hope. And it’s my prayer that no matter what we encounter in the future, this time I can be stronger and braver and respond with more faith and trust.

Ironically, Samantha was conceived in the first few days of August, 2006.