Mother’s Day

I know it’s a month since Mother’s Day, but I just stumbled upon a wonderful Facebook group, called “International Babylost Mother’s Day“, and therein found an article about the origins of Mother’s Day, Do you know the History and Meaning of Mother’s Day? by Kara Jones

If you know me well, then you know that we were Infertile for 8 years before finally conceiving our first child, who we lost to Miscarriage early in pregnancy. Losing Peter hit me very hard, and sent me spiralling into deep depression, triggering other inherited health issues.

I had already grown to despise Mother’s Day, avoiding church and interaction with families celebrating the gifts God had given them, celebrating womanhood and motherhood. One thing that my Thai church did do on Mother’s Day, that was very hard to endure (but better than most churches) is have all the married women stand in front of church, even if they didn’t have kids, present us all with flowers, and acknowledge that all of us in some way have the influence of a mother (but really meant that we’d bare children).  It became even harder after Peter died, because no one recognized me as a Mother, or the son that I had longed for and loved so much. My child was unborn, therefore not truly a child.  I thought I was going crazy to grieve over a child I had never met. I tried to put on a happy face, pull my socks up, stick my chin out and get over it.

So I was thankful when I found the last copy of the book “I’ll hold you in heaven” by Jack Hayford at my local English bookstore. Almost 4 months after the miscarriage, I was given permission to grieve by a man I have never met. That’s pretty sad. (I will say, that after reading the book, I did find a Mom’s in Touch group who embraced me and we shared our stories of loss).

Now I have 2 beautiful living children. I love them so much and am so thankful for them. I didn’t ever think I’d have such a joy in my life – let alone TWO! I have a memorial to Peter on my wall – a cross stitch of a teddy bear. One day Samantha asked me about it, so I told her that she had an older brother named Peter, but he died. The emotions were overwhelming for me. I almost didn’t tell her, because of what I felt. But she just looked at the picture thoughtfully and said, “Oh, okay”.

Knowing the origins of Mother’s Day, that it was started by grieving mothers as a protest against war, as a call for women to band together in support of one another to protect their children, brings a deeper understanding of it’s purpose. But the commercialization of it, and misconceptions about womanhood and motherhood, have turned it into a day that deepens the divide between the Mother with Child and the Childless Mother. (not to mention the growing number of women who have chosen to remain “Child Free”, and experience a different kind of scorn).

We celebrate the gift of life and of womanhood, and our influence on those around us… to the infertile or childless mother, it can seem like a ceremony of merit for the ‘normal women’ – for the ones who are not broken or dysfunctional, cursed (yes, I got that one!) or selfish – honoring them for their ability and willingness to fulfill their ‘God given purpose’.

So how do we honor the childless mother – the one who longs, the one who hopes, the one who has lost, the one who grieves and aches silently, the one who gives herself to your children as an ‘aunt’, investing in their future in a special way.

Acknowledge them on Mother’s Day. Acknowledge what they long for, what they have lost. Thank them for investing in your kids. Have one of your kids give them a flower.

I like the suggestions in Kara’s post, so here you go:

“So I encourage you, too, as you celebrate in your ways this coming weekend.  If you are crafting goodies for the mothers at your gathering, please don’t forget the bereaved mums.  If flowers are given to all the mums whose children are playing and laughing that day, please don’t ignore the mums whose children physically gone, but still loved.  If you want to do more than just hearts and flowers, make your own meaning of this day.  Sit with the women in your family and pour over the family tree.  Find out if there were any children born, who died, who are now left off the family tree.  Find out the full scope of motherhood for all the women in your family.  Filling out your family tree completely, not only honors all the women who birthed children, but gives your children and generations to come, a view of their full family and medical histories.  Mothers Day can include hearts and flowers, but it can also be as substantial and empowering as you want it to be!”

Mother’s Day is still bittersweet for me. I find myself looking around at the women in the room, trying to discern who is hurting, who needs an extra special hug, or a note of encouragement. And I remember that my family is missing a little boy who would be 5 years old this September. What would he look like? What would his personality have been like? How do I continue to remember him and talk about him with his little brother and sister? I don’t dwell on these questions anymore, but they do come up at times like this as I reflect on what Motherhood is and who a Mother is.

Babylost Mother’s Day Blog: International Babylost Mother’s Day
Babylost Father’s Day blog “International Babylost Father’s Day Blog“
Int’l Babylost Father’s Day on Facebook: “International Babylost Father’s Day”